Jackie S


"I feel so iffy about defining love, just because the main two people that I've been around most of my life have a very interesting and not so glamorous relationship."

Jackie--2.jpg

That's a huge subject. Very complicated. Love, I guess I would see it as an unconditional feeling. When I've experienced love, it's looking at someone and, even if you're in a terrible mood and you just feel like crap, they still bring a smile to your face just by being there.

I remember one time I had just gone through the worst traffic and there was a bunch of awful drivers on the road. I showed up to my boyfriend's house and he just walked in from taking a shower or something and I was mad and I wanted to vent to him. I wanted to express my outrage at shitty drivers. He just looked at me and said "hey" and I was like "ah shit," I can't really be that mad. 

"It's like inside there's like a swelling...it's such an interesting feeling. And I think that really was a concentrated version of it, obviously, it covers a lot more than that, but I've only experienced love like that a couple of times."

Jackie S, Vegan Blogger, Freelance Photographer, & Merch Girl

It's like inside, there's a swelling- it's such an interesting feeling. I think that really was a concentrated version of it, obviously, it covers a lot more than that, but I've only experienced love like that a couple of times. I'm still with that boyfriend, but even with my ex-boyfriend before that I felt that once for him too. And then I feel love in other ways for him, and then for my family. 

I think that my view of love is different. At least my impression of what a relationship should be even with friends or significant others is different. My parents have, I don't want to say a forced relationship, but when I was in third grade, they were going to get a divorce and when they told my sister and I that, we were distraught. 

I was not shocked, because they argued a lot but then they decided go to family counseling. They didn't end up divorcing then and later on I basically got the idea from both of them that they stayed together for my sister and I.  So when I started experiencing or being around older couples or even couples my parents age and seeing how they interacted with each other, it was completely different from the way my parents interacted. My parents interactions are kind of emotionless. Very practical, like "ok we're going to go to do this, this weekend."

Actually, I will say in the last couple years my parents, my dad calls my mom babe which is hilarious. Then my mom was showing my friends the balcony in the back of their house and told him that when we first moved in there which was like 15 years ago that they used to sneak down the balcony and go skinny dipping in the pool, which I also thought was hilarious.

It was funny because when people said "oh no, you're parents have sex" and I told them "no, my parents don't have sex, I can tell you that" but then when I heard that part it may have still been a long time ago, it made me laugh and I actually enjoyed it because I thought "wow, they actually did like each other at some point" (laughs). 

It does worry me because their communication isn't very good and I know it's rubbed off on me. I've had that make my relationships suffer because I'll brood. I'm like my dad, I'll just brood and hope somebody asks me. If they do I'll tell them nothing is wrong and that I'll talk about it when I'm ready, but really I need to actually talk about it now. So I've gotten better at that but...

That has a lot to do with why I feel so iffy about defining love, just because the main two people that I've been around most of my life have a very interesting and not so glamorous relationship as far as that's concerned. But then when I look at like my grandparents they are old so it's kind of hard to gauge, it's not the same (laughs). But I do see certain couples and it makes me very happy for them. And I hope that I get to feel that continually for the rest of my life, that's such a great thing to have. I think it gives you obviously the certainty of it, but there's just a good feeling.